New Normal

I am beyond tired of this pesky pandemic.

I am tired of masks. Tired of surveilling my surroundings at all times to make sure I’m not getting too close to others in the vicinity.

Tired of my judgey brain when a shopping cart barrels by, narrowly missing my hip.

Weary. I am weary.

So, I got one of my deepest desires – I am working from home and no longer face that miserable commute to Westwood every day.

But my neck is still tight and my sciatica still flares and I’m taking my 2.5 hours of reclaimed time to sleep and play video games on my phone.

So much for the dream.

In fairness, 2020 has been unkind. Some of us are just starting to notice social injustice, with millions of people risking their lives to protest the murders of unarmed people of color. Social and traditional media are more polarized than ever. Since we can’t hash things out in person we are lighting up the Twitterverse/Instaworld/Facebackward with memes and inflammatory posts. People have revealed themselves in surprising ways – or is it that now we have time to pay attention to how they’ve always been? And that may not square with my personal beliefs.

When I look back at this year, what will I see? I think I’ll see layers peeling off and truth exposing the lies. I will think about my failings as a friend and family member and note that my pandemic priorities have shifted. 2020 is the year that I’ve made a significant effort to be with my mom. In that sense, it’s a bonus year because everyone (including mom) thought she’d never live to 91. But she has and her needs have shifted. (My sister still carries the primary load, and I’ve done my best to support her in that endeavor which means miles on my Honda going from the SFV to Riverside County)

2020 is the year I’ve seen my husband at work – his job – and it’s been eye opening to witness his process. I don’t mean that in a bad way. The ways in which he interacts with me are not that different than the way he interacts with others. I’ve come to realize that he’s someone who works best in what I consider a chaotic and overwhelming pile of paper. We’ve struggled with this for years in our home life and I truly now understand that this is integral to his personality and I need flow with it or be forever in a state of fury.

I’ve discovered that some of my friends need to be checked on and other are great at checking on me. We’ve had to work at our relationships this year and figure out the core. The activities and busy-ness that we took for granted are unavailable, so the core values and commonalities rise to the top. We are going deeper and increasing intimacy. I do not find this altogether comfortable but it’s a journey I’m willing to take.

Most of all, 2020 has been a year when I’ve learned to let go. I choose my battles and realize that standing my ground over trivialities is wasted energy.

Who do I want to be in the future? I’ve always gotten through today by looking to the future – making plans, scheduling trips, postponing a cookie today for a chocolate sundae next week. But now, surrounded by NOW, I ask myself, what do I want?

I had vague plans for retirement and used those to endure my current situation. But I see that retirement and the rest of my life is less about activity and more about who I am. I don’t want to argue people about politics. I don’t want friction because something that should have been filed is buried in a book. I want a warm comfortable home that suits me. I want room to grow and blossom – and there is no reason those things can’t start now.

2020 is a watershed year, and as the commercial says “let’s not go back to the way things were.” It would be a shame if we canceled 2020 and went right back to careless consumption, unvarnished racism and the push pull between what’s right and wrong. Surely there is a way for us all. Surely we don’t need to double down on issues. Surely we can look at the person behind the mask and at the person who refuses to wear a mask. The change is upon us and we’ve had months to prepare.

Time to get to work.

11/20